1.Semi-fraudulent／direct-from-hollywood Overture
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Theodor bikel：
Ladies and gentlemen!
Chorus：
200 motels
Theodor bikel：
200 motels.. life on the road.
Theodor bikel：
Ladies and gentlemen! and here he is..
Who？
Larry the dwarf.
Larry likes to dress up funny. tonight he's dressed up like
frank zappa.
Let's ask him 'what's the deal？'
2.Mystery Roach
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
How long？ how long？
Till that mystery roach be arrivin' soon
Ya-ooo ya-ooo ya-ooo ya-ooo
The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me
La la la la la la la, oof!
The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me
How long？ how long？ till that mystery roach been gone
Ya-ooo ya-ooo ya-ooo ya-ooo
The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me
La la la la la la la, oof!
The mystery roach be approachin'
The mystery roach be approachin' me
Mystery, mystery, mystery, mystery,
Mystery, mystery, mystery, mystery, roach!
Mystery, mystery, mystery, mystery,
Mystery, mystery, mystery, mystery, roach!
Mystery, mystery, mystery, mystery,
Mystery, mystery, mystery, mystery, roach!
Mystery, mystery, mystery, mystery,
Mystery, mystery, mystery, mystery, roach!
Howard kaylan：
Wait a minute! stop the music!
Please ... hold it! wait a minute!
What are we singing about？ mystery roach？
We must be flipping out ...
3.Dance Of The Rock ＆ Roll Interviewers
4.This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich(Prologue)
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
This town.. this town..
This town we're in is just a
Sealed tuna sandwich with the wrapper glued.
Mark volman：
We get a few in every tour.
Howard kaylan：
I think we've played this one before.
5.Tuna Fish Promenade
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
This town.. this town..
Is just a sealed
Tuna sandwich.
Sealed
Tuna sandwich
With the wrapper glued ...
It's by baloney on the rack
It goes for 40 cents a whack.
It's just a place for us to play
To help us pay
The cost of the tickets
Back to l.a.
The cost of the tickets
Back to l.a.
The cost of the tickets
Back to l.a.
Chorus：
All the people in the sandwich town
Think the place is great.
What if part of it's crumbling down？
Most of them prob'ly won't be 'round ...
Howard kaylan：
They'll either be dead..
Mark volman：
Or moved to san francisco.
Howard kaylan：
( where everybody thinks they're heavy business.
But it's just a tuna sandwich from another catering service. )
6.Dance Of The Just Plain Folks
7.This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich(Reprise)
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
This town.. this town..
This town we're in is just a
Sealed tuna sandwich with the wrapper glued.
Mark volman：
We get a few in every tour.
？？：
They're always such a fucking bore.
I can't wait till we blow this town and
Work a place with some local hot action!
8.The Sealed Tuna Bolero
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
This town.. this town..
Is just a sealed
Tuna sandwich.
Sealed
Tuna sandwich
With the wrapper glued ...
It's by baloney on the rack
It goes for 40 cents a whack.
It's just a rancid little snack
In a plastic bag
From a matron in la habre with a blown-out crack
Who dies to suck the fringe off of jimmy carl black.
9.Lonesome Cowboy Burt
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Jimmy carl black (vocals)
Jimmy carl black：
My name is burtram, i am a redneck.
All my friends, they call me burt.
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Hi, burt!
Jimmy carl black：
All my family from down in texas
Make their livin' diggin' dirt.
Come out here to californy
Just to find me some pretty girls.
Ones i seen gets me so horny
Ruby lips,
N'teeth like pearls.
Wanna love 'em all.
Wanna love 'em dearly.
Wann pretty girl,
I'll even pay ...
I'll buy 'em furs. i'll buy 'em jewelry ...
I know they like me. here's what i'll say.
I'm lonesome cowboy burt.
( speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt.
( reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants,
My cowboy dance,
My bold advance.
On this here waitress ...
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
He's lonesome cowboy burt.
Don'tcha get his feelings hurt.
Jimmy carl black：
Come on in this place
An' i'll buy you a taste.
You can sit on my face.
Where's my waitress？
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Burtram, burtram redneck.
Burtram, burtram redneck.
Jimmy carl black：
I'm an awful nice guy.
Sweat all day in the sun.
I'm a roofer by trade,
Quite a bundle i've made
I'm unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun.
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
He's a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun.
Jimmy carl black：
When i get off, i get plastered.
I drink till i fall on the floor.
Find me some communist bastard
N' stomp on his face till he don't
Move no more.
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
He stomps on his face till he don't
Move no more.
Jimmy carl black：
I fuss an' i cuss and i keep on drinkin'
Till my eyes puff up an' turn red.
I drool on m'shirt.
I see if he's hurt.
Then i kick him again in the head, let's
Everybody：
Kick him again in the head! boys!
Kick him again in the head! now!
Kick him again in the head!
Jimmy carl black：
I'm lonesome cowboy burt.
( speakin' atcha!)
Come smell my fringe-y shirt.
( reekin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants,
My cowboy dance,
My bold advance.
On this here waitress ...
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
He's lonesome cowboy burt.
Don'tcha get his feelings hurt.
Jimmy carl black：
Come on in this place
An' i'll buy you a taste.
You can sit on my face.
Where's my waitress？
Opal, you hot little bitch!
10.Touring Can Make You Crazy
11.Would You Like A Snack？
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Went on the road
For a month touring.
What a drag...
You gotta go
Even if you'd rather be at home.
Flaked out
In hollywood.
Drove to inglewood and then we dumped
All our shit into the plane at five-o-three
( what's it gonna be？ )
Mark volman：
Chicken, beef or turkey？
Howard kaylan：
La la la la
Mark volman：
Would you like a snack？
12.Redneck Eats
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Jimmy carl black：
Hey, who are these dudes？ are you a boy, or a girl？
Ha ha ha ha. ha ha ha.
What the fuck was that？
I wonder if that son of a bitch can play something i might even
like.
Hey twerp, play me something i can enjoy.
13.Centerville
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Centerville.
A real nice place to raise your kids up.
Centerville.
It's really neat!
Churches.
Churches, and liquor stores.
14.She Painted Up Her Face
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
She painted up her face.
She sat before the mirror.
She painted up her face.
She drew the mirror nearer.
Practisissing, practiss, practising!
The stare
The stare
The secret stare she would use
If a worthy-looking victim should appear.
Practisissing, practiss, practising!
( ah-hoo-ah-hoo-wah-hoo-wahhhh )
Practisissing, practiss, practising!
15.Janet's Big Dance Number
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
The clock upon the wall
Has struck the midnight hour.
She finishes her call.
Her girlfriend's in the shower.
Practisissing, practiss, practising!
16.Half A Dozen Provocative Squats
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Half a dozen provocative squats!
Out of the shower she squeezes her spots.
Brushes her teeth.
Shoots a deoderant spray up her twot...
It's getting her
Getting her hot.
It's getting her
Getting her hot.
Oh-woh-woh-woh-woh-woh
She's just twenty four
And she can't get off.
A sad, but typical case, yeah.
The last dude to do her
Got in and got soft.
She blew it
And laughed in his face, yeah.
Yeah.
17.Mysterioso
18.Shove It Right In
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
She chooses all the clothes
She'll wear tonight to dance in.
(she dances, she prances, she dances, she prances)
The places that she goes
Are filled with guys from groups,
Yeah-yeah-yeah
Waiting for a chance to break her pants in.
Provocative squats!
Gum me on m'lunga
Provocative squats!
Gum me on m'lunga
Provocative squats!
Gum me on m'lunga
Provocative squats!
Gum me on m'lunga
Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah
Wah wah wah wah wah wah
Well at least there's sort of a choice there.
(twenty or thirty at times there have been )
Somewhat desirable boys there.
Dressed really spiffy with long hair.
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in.
Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah
Wah wah wah wah wah wah
Well at least there's sort of a choice there.
(twenty or thirty at times there have been )
Somewhat desirable boys there.
Dressed really spiffy with long hair.
Waiting for girls they can shove it right in.
19.Lucy's Seduction Of A Bored Violinist ＆ Postlude
20.I'm Stealing The Towels
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Chorus：
200 motels
200 motels
Han toon ran toon ran
200 motels
Jeff simmons：
I'm stealing the towels.
21.Dental Hygeine Dilemma
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Bad concience：
Han min noon toon han toon han
Good concience：
No, jeff!
Bad concience：
Han toon ran toon ran toon fran min han toon ran toon nan toon
fram
Good concience：
No no no!
Jeff simmons：
Man! this stuff is great! it's just as if donovan himself had
appeared on my very own tv with words of peace, love, and
eternal cosmic wisdom. leading me. guiding me. on paths of
everlasting pse
Armic negligence, in the very midst of my drug-induced nocturnal
emission.
Good concience：
Oh, i am your good conscience, jeff. i know all. i see all. i am
a cosmic love pulse matrix, becoming a technicolor
interpositive.
Jeff simmons：
Hmm？ where'd you buy that incense？ it's hip.
Good concience：
It's the same mysterious exotic oriental fragrance as what the
beatles get off on.
Jeff simmons：
I thought i recognized it. mmm, what is that, musk？
Good concience：
Jeff, i know what's good for you.
Jeff simmons：
Right. you're heavy.
Good concience：
Yes jeff, i am your guiding light. listen to me. don't rip off
the towels jeff!
Bad concience：
Kiss off, you little nitwit.
Jeff simmons：
Hey man, what's the deal？
Good concience：
Don't listen to him jeff, he's no good. he'll make you do bad
things!
Jeff simmons：
You mean, he'll make me sin？
Good concience：
Yes, jeff. sin!
Jeff simmons：
Wow!
Bad concience：
Jeff, i'd like to have a word with you. about your soul.
Good concience：
No, don't listen jeff.
Bad concience：
Why are you wasting your life, night after night playing this
comedy music？
Jeff simmons：
You're right, i'm too heavy to be in this group.
Good concience：
Comedy music.
Bad concience：
Jeff, your soul!
Jeff simmons：
In this group, all i ever get to do is play zappa's comedy
music. he eats!
Bad concience：
Jeff!
Jeff simmons：
I get so tense.
Bad concience：
Of course you do my boy.
Jeff simmons：
The stuff he makes me do is always off the wall.
Bad concience：
That's why it would be best to leave his stern employ.
Jeff simmons：
And quit the group!
Bad concience：
You'll make it big!
Jeff simmons：
That's right.
Bad concience：
Of course!
Jeff simmons：
And then i won't be small!
Ahmet ertegun used this towel as a bathmat six weeks ago at a
rancid motel in orlando, florida, with the highest mildew rating
of any commercial lodging facility within the territorial limits
of
United states, naturally excluding tropical possessions. it's
still damp. what an aroma! this is the best i ever got off! what
can i say about this elixir？ try it on steaks! cleans nylons!
small
T warnings! it's made for the home! the office! on fruits!
Bad concience：
This is the real you, jeff. rip off a few more ashtrays. get rid
of some of that inner tension. quit the comedy group! get your
own group together. heavy! like grand funk, or black sabbath.
Good concience：
No, jeff. ？？：
Good concience：
Peace. love.
Bad concience：
Bollocks.
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
What can i say about this elixir？
Mark volman：
Jeff has gone out there on that stuff!
Bad concience：
He should have never have used the elixir and only stuck to the
incense. oh, atlantis.
Mark volman：
That was billy the mountain, dressed up like donovan, fading out
on the wall-mounted tv screen. jeff _is_ flipping out. road
fatigue! we've got to get him back to normal before zappa finds
out,
Teals it, and makes him do it in the movie.
Bad concience：
You have a brilliant career ahead of you my boy. just get out of
this group!
Mark volman：
Howard, that was studebacher hoch, dressed up like jim pons,
giving career guidance to the bass player of a rock-oriented
comedy group. jeff's imagination has gone beyond the fringe of
audience
Ehension.
Howard kaylan：
Jeff, jeff it's me the phlorescent leech!
Mark volman：
Jeff, jeff it's me, eddie!
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Wowwww! what can i say about this elixir？
{note： the following three paragraphs are simultaneous and with
wildly} {fluctuating pitch. a turntable with a detachable drive
is still a useful} {tool! -cgk}
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
it on you surfboard so you won't slip off. try it on your [？ ？
？], and on the, the red balloons, you can blow up all balloons
with
Put it on your... heh. on your pizza. put it on your shoes, tie
your mic with it, and fill up your tires with it.
Use it to clean your swimming pool, sell it to your mother and
tell her it's a tie-die kit, you won't even believe what'll
happen when you starch your shirt with it, ironing goes easier
and your
Windows never looked better in your whole life. ladies and
gentlemen, you can inhale it, and it makes your voice three keys
higher, and you can't even stand what happens when you put it on
your
As hair tonic. heh, heh. and if you ever tried it as a...
Soak your shirts in it, soak your teeth in it. let it play the
piano. follow it around the block. wear it instead of jeans.
bathe you puppies with it. feed it to your ducks. use it instead
of ch
What？
Wowwwwww!
What can i？
Wowwwwww!
What？ what can i say about this？
Wowwwwww!
22.Does This Kind Of Life Look Interesting To You？
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Bad concience：
Does this kind of life look interesting to you？ night after
night, dinners with herb cohen. thrill-packed, fun-filled
evenings on the french riviera at the midem convention. a big
tie, the whole
Watch mutt eat, and leon feed the geese. one thousand green
business cards, with your name and the wrong address. plus six
royalty statements, inspected and customized by ran toon tan han
toon
Et and dee. followed by twelve potential suicides as the members
of your group, past and present, find out they can't collect
unemployment. a dog, a car, an epidemic of body lice with your
own r
Company, your name on the door, electric buzzer to the inner
with tickets on air rangoon. does this kind of life look
interesti
You？ as a big rock and roll guitar player in a comedy group？
Chorus：
Hunna hunna hunna.
200 motels. 200 motels. 200 motels.
Jeff simmons：
I'm stealing the room. i'm stealing the room. i'm stealing the
room.
Chorus：
？？？？？？？
？？？？？？？
I'm stealing i'm stealing ？？？？？？
23.Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car？
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car？
She's such a dignified lady,
She's so pretty and soft.
You can't call her a groupie,
It just pisses her off.
She's got diamonds and jewelry,
She's got lotsa new clothes.
She ain't hurtin' nobody,
So that everyone knows,
That she knows what she wants,
Knows what she likes.
Daddy, daddy, daddy.
Daddy, daddy, daddy.
Daddy, daddy, daddy.
Look out... she's got her eyes on you.
She left her place after midnight,
She drove to the club.
You know that her and her partner,
Came here lookin' for love.
They want a guy from a group
That's got a thing in a charts
If your dick is a monster
If your dick is a monster
If your dick is a monster
They will give him their hearts.
'cause they know what they want,
And they know what they like.
Daddy, daddy, daddy.
Daddy, daddy, daddy.
Daddy, daddy, daddy.
Look out... she's got her eyes on you.
Fam-bam-yak-a-ta-tahhh!
They know what they want,
They know what they like.
Daddy, daddy, daddy...oooh
Daddy, daddy, daddy...oooh
Daddy, daddy, daddy...oooh.
Aw right, you got 'em screamin' all night,
Screamin' all night.
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car？
( do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do, do it？ )
Ooo-ooo, do you like my new car？
Do it, do it, d'ya wanna-wanna do, do it？ )
24.Penis Dimension
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Mark volman：
Penis dimension.
Howard kaylan：
Penis dimension.
Everybody：
Penis dimension is worrying me.
I can't hardly sleep at night
'cause of penis dimension
Do you worry？
Do you worry a lot？
No!
Do you worry？
Do you worry and moan ...
That the size of your cock is not monsrtous enough？
It's your penis dimension!
Penis dimension!
Howard kaylan：
Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah
Mark volman：
Hiya friends. now just be honest about it. did you ever consider
the possibliity that your penis, and in the case of many
dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might
provide
Nts of subconscious tension？ weird, twisted anxieties that could
force a human being to have to become a politician. a policeman.
a jesuit monk. a rock and roll guitar player. a wino. you name i
In the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone
beef-up, may become writers of hot books.
Howard kaylan：
'manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her
quivering quim.'
Mark volman：
Yes, or they become carmelite nuns.
Howard kaylan：
'gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her
slithering slit.' ha ha ha!
Mark volman：
Ooh, or racehorse jockeys. there is no reason why you, or your
loved one should suffer. things are bad enough, without the size
of your organ adding even more misery to the troubles of the
world
Howard kaylan：
Right on, right on!
Mark volman：
Now, if your a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can
console yourself with this age-old line from primary school：
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Anything over a mouthful, is wasted.
Mark volman：
Yes! and isn't it the truth？ and if you're a guy, one night
you're at a party and you're trying to be cool, i mean, you
aren't even wearing any underwear your being so cool, and
somebody hits on
One night, and looks you up and down and he says uh,
Howard kaylan：
Eight inches or less？
Mark volman：
Well let me tell you, brother, that's the time when you got to
turn around and look that son of a bitch right between the eyes.
and you got to tell him these words：
25.What Will This Evening Bring Me This Morning
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
What will this evening
Bring me this morning？
What will this evening
Bring me this morning？
Dawn will arrive
Without any warning.
What will i say
The next day to whatever
I drag to my hotel tonight？
(if things go alright.)
What will i say
The next day to whatever
I drag to my hotel tonight？
( will she be outasite？)
What will this evening
Bring me this morning？
What will this evening
Bring me this morning？
A succulent fat one!
A mod little flat one,
Maybe a hot one (to give me the clap!)
Maybe a freak who gets off with a strap.
{repeat and fade out}
What will i say
The next day to whatever
I drag to my hotel tonight？
(if things go alright.)
What will i say
The next day to whatever
I drag to my hotel tonight？
( will she be outasite？)
26.A Nun Suit Painted On Some Old Boxes
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Female soprano：
Why don't you strap on this here bunch of cardboard boxes
daddy-o？
Chorus：
Joy of my desiring
Female soprano：
You certainly look suave and get me hot.
Chorus：
Hot hot. get me hot
Female soprano：
And horny.
If there's one thing i really get off on,
It's a nun suit painted on some old boxes.
Chorus：
Some old melodies.
Female soprano：
Four-four... an aura
Chorus：
An areola
Female soprano：
Pink gums. stumpy gray teeth.
Chorus：
Dental floss.
Female soprano：
Gets me hot. want to watch a dental hygiene movie？
27.Magic Fingers
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Ooh, the way you love me, lady,
I get so hard now i could die.
Ooh, the way you love me, sugar,
I get so hard now i could die.
Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
And try me on for size.
Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
And try me on for size.
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby,
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes.
Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl,
Red balloons just pop behind my eyes.
Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
And try me on for size.
Open up your pocketbook,
Get another quarter out,
Drop it in the meter, mama
And try me on for size.
Mark volman：
Do you really wanna please me？
Howard kaylan：
Y'know i do ... baby.
Mark volman：
Well, tell me why you do it...
I really wanna know.
Howard kaylan：
Oh no no, i wouldn't be right
For me to tell ya tonight...
Mark volman：
You better tell me right away
Or i'll dress up and go.
Howard kaylan：
Don't get mad... it ain't no big thing.
Mark volman：
You better tell me right away,
Don't you treat me cold!
Howard kaylan：
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it!
Well, there are a lot of reasons why i'd drag a girl such as
yourself back to this plastic hotel room ... and rip you off for
spare change to run a ...to run a vibrating machine attached to
this
N-size, bulk-purchase, kapok-infested,
do-not-remove-tag-under-penalty-of-law type bed and, and make
you take off all your little clothes ... until you are nearly
stark raving nude. ( save for y
Hrome-with-heavy- duty-leather-thong peace medallion) and make
you assume a series of marginally erotic poses involving a
plastic chair and an old guitar strap while i did a wee-wee in
your hair
And beat you with a pair of tennis shoes i got from jeff beck...
28.Motorhead's Midnight Ranch
29.Dew On The Newts We Got
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Chorus：
Dew on the newts we got. newt money dew.
It's a payment on the rental for the dewy little newts we got.
We got 'em dewy. left 'em in the yard all night,
Though they didn't get uptight.
I know that they did not, did not,
I know that they did not dash off into the night
30.The Lad Searches The Night For His Newts
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Chorus：
The lad searches the night for his newts.
31.The Girl Wants To Fix Him Some Broth
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Male tenore：
The girl wants to fix him some broth.
Female soprano：
Tinselcock!
Chorus：
Tinselcock!
Female soprano：
Would you like some broth？
Male tenore：
Some nice soup.
Female soprano：
Some hot broth.
Male tenore：
Small dogs in it.
Female soprano：
Do you
Male tenore：
You like broth？ dog broth.
Female soprano：
Hot broth.
Male tenore：
You like dog broth hot？ how do you like it？ the four styles of
it
The breathe broth breath, and the ever popular hygienic european
version,
Tinselcock!
Tinselcock!
Chorus：
Tinselcock!
Male tenore：
Which do you choose？
32.The Girl's Dream
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Male tenore：
The girl, in a statement to the press, explains：
33.Little Green Scratchy Sweaters ＆ Courduroy Ponce
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Female soprano：
Broth reminds me of nuns.
Chorus：
( nuns... nuns...)
Female soprano：
I see them smashing with rulers
Disciplining munchkin cretins.
Tortured munchkins, tortured munchkins
I wish irish catholic victims.
Little green scratchy sweaters,
Little green scratchy ones
And courderoy ponce.
Courderoy ponce
And green scratchy munchkin.
I wish irish catholic victims.
Munchkins get me hot.
Munchkins get me get me hot.
Hot! gets her real hot.
34.Strictly Genteel(The Finale)
Mark volman (vocals)
Howard kaylan (vocals)
Ian underwood (keyboards, woodwinds)
Aynsley dunbar (drums)
George duke (keyboards, trombone)
Martin lickert (bass)
Ruth underwood (orchestra drum set)
Jim pons (vocals)
Theodor bikel：
This, as you might have guessed, is the end of the movie. the
entire cast is assembled here at the centerville recreational
facility to bid farewell to you, and to express thanks for your
attend
At this theatre. this might seem old fashioned to some of you,
but i'd like to join in on this song. it's the kind of a
sentimental song that you get at the end of a movie. it's the
kind of a so
At people might sing to let you in the audience know that we
really like you and care about you. we uh, understand how hard
it is to laugh these days, with all the terrible problems in the
world
Lord, have mercy on the people in england,
For the terrible food these people must eat.
( errrr, excuse me )
And may the lord have mercy on the fate of this movie
And god bless the mind of the man in the street.
Chorus：
Help all the rednecks and the flatfoot policemen
Through the terrible functions they all must perform.
God help the winos, the junkies, and the weirdos,
Female soprano：
And every poor soul who's adrift in the storm.
Chorus：
Help everybody, so they all get some action,
Some love on the weekend, some real satisfaction.
Female soprano：
A room and a meal
And a garbage disposal
A lawn and a hose'll
Be strictly genteel.
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Reach out your hand to the girl in the dog book,
The girl in the pig book, and the one with the horse.
Make sure they keep all those businessmen happy
And the purple-lipped censors and the germans of course.
Chorus：
Help everybody, so they all get some action,
Some love on the weekend, some real satisfaction.
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
A swedish apparatus with a hood and a bludgeon
With a microwave oven. 'honey, how do it feel？'
Everybody：
Yeah
Ahhh
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Lord, have mercy on the hippies and faggots
And the dykes and the weird little children they grow.
Help the black man.
Help the poor man.
Help the milk man.
Help the door man.
Help the lonely, neglected old farts that i know.
Theodore bikel：
It's been swell havin' you with us tonight folks.
Mark volman：
But, don't leave the theatre yet, 'cause there's still more to
come, but before we go on, i want to introduce to you my friend
and musical associate, howard kaylan, who's going to give us all
a
Closing benediction.
Howard kaylan：
They're going to clear out the studio...
They're going to tear down all the...
They're going to whip down all the...
They're going to sweep out all the...
They're going to pay off all the...
Mark volman：
(oh, yeah!)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
And then... and then... and then... and then...
Hey hey hey, everybody in the orchestra and the chorus
Aww now, every one of our lovely and talented dancers
The light bulb men, camera men, make-up men
Mark volman：
(the fake-up men)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
And, the rake-up men.
Jimmy carl black：
(especially herbie cohen, yeahoooo...)
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
They're all going to rise up.
They're going to jump up! i said jump up!
Talkin' 'bout jump right up on off the floor.
Jump right up and hit the door!
Mark volman：
They're all going to rise up, and jump off.
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
They're going to ride on home.
They're going to ride on home.
They're going to ride on home.
They're going to ride on home.
Howard kaylan：
And once again take themselves seriously.
Yeah, two, three, four, seriously.
Mark volman：
They're all going to go home,
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Through the driving sleet and rain
Mark volman：
They're all going to go home,
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Through the fog, through the dust.
Through the tropical fever and the blistering frost.
Mark volman：
They're all going to go home.
Howard kaylan：
And get out of it as they can be.
Jimmy carl black：
And the same goes for me.
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Oh, yeah! oh, yeah! oh, yeah! oh, yeah!
Howard kaylan：
And each and every member of this rock oriented comedy group
In his own special way is going to get out of it as he can be.
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
They're all going to get wasted.
They're all going to get twisted.
They're all going to get wasted.
They're all going to get twisted.
Howard kaylan：
And i am definitely going to get ....
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Reamed
Howard kaylan：
'cause i'm such a lonely.. i'm such a lonely..
A lonely, lonely, talkin' 'bout a lonely guy.
Oh, and i know tonight, i am definitely...
I am positively... i just have to get...
Mark volman ＆ howard kaylan：
Bent, reamed and wasted.
Jimmy carl black：
A disaster area the size of atlantic city, new jersey.
Howard kaylan：
He's making me do this, ladies and gentlemen. i wouldn't do it
if it weren't for this. you noticed, all through this material,
i've been glancing over toward my left？ well, i'll tell you the
rea
Or that ladies and gentlemen. he is over there. he is over on
the left. he is the guy that is making me do all this shit.
right over there. now all through this movie, every time we've
been on s
I've had to look over in that direction, right？ you saw it...
you know! well that's 'cause he's over there. i've got to watch
him for signs. he jumps up and down like a jackass. i can't even
be
The guy sometimes. but we gotta watch him. 'after all,' we said,
'it's frank's movie.' now, we're the mothers, but it's still
frank's movie. he rented the studio, had all th
Heesy sets built...it's so moche!. he's telling everybody, right
now, right over there to...(text obscured by disaster area,
fades out)
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